Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how busy isn’t a virtue. It’s not a personality. It’s not proof you matter. It’s often a reflex, and sometimes it’s a hiding place. A way to stay in motion so we don’t have to get honest about what we actually want.

“How are you?”
So busy.

I hear it over and over again from the women in my life.

And I used to say it too, until I noticed something.

Busy Isn’t a Badge. It’s a Place to Hide.

Busy has become woman-code for being important

When other women responded to me with how busy they were, I felt something in my gut. A tightening. An irritation.

“Are they flexing on me?” I’m busy too.

When I finally got still with the irritation, it pointed back at me. Which is where the interesting stuff always is.

Busy has become woman-code for being important.

When a woman tells me she’s busy, I notice there’s a charge behind it. A subtle announcement. Like she wants me to know her time is spoken for. She is needed, moving, accounted for.

That her life is full in a way that matters. She’s important and she has proof. See how busy she is.

But I’m starting to wonder if some of us are busy the way other people are loud at parties. Not because we want to be. Because we’re not sure who we are when we stop.

What would happen if you let stillness count?

What would happen if we gave ourselves permission to be important in our own stillness?

Not meditation-still. Not productivity-hack-still.

Just quiet enough to hear ourselves think for five consecutive minutes.

We might even find out what we actually want to be doing.

I think for a lot of women, stillness is terrifying. Because it asks questions.

Is this the life you actually want?
Are you happy?

Not fine, not managing. Truly happy?

And if we’re always in motion, we never have to answer.

Busy is a great place to hide. It has excellent lighting and it keeps you looking purposeful from every angle.

But you can’t hear yourself in there.

And if you can’t hear yourself, you can’t tell anyone, including yourself, what you actually want. What would actually make you feel like your life is yours.

That’s what we’re really giving up when we stay in motion. Not rest. Not time.

Ourselves.

Things to think about

The next time someone asks how you’re doing, notice your first instinct. If it’s busy, ask yourself what you’re not saying. Tell them how you are, not what you’re doing.

Swap one thing you said yes to but don’t want to do with something you actually want to do. Unapologetically.

Get still for five minutes this week. Maybe more than once. Not to be productive. Just to see what comes up. Write it down. Explore it a little.

If you are avoiding something by staying busy, what is it? Write this question in your journal and see if you can find the answer.

If you’re ready to step out of the busy reflex

If you’re ready to step out of the busy reflex:

• Leave one block of time unclaimed this week. Do not fill it. Do not justify it.
• Notice when you equate motion with meaning. They are not the same.
• Remove one obligation that exists only to prove you’re capable.
• Let something stay undone without announcing how overwhelmed you are.
• Answer “How are you?” with something other than busy.
• Ask yourself: If my worth were settled, what would I design differently?

You don’t need to perform importance.
You don’t need to fill every minute to justify your existence.

Busy isn’t a virtue.
Clarity is.